I felt like I was being pissed off... last night it was!! Ntah... may be atu prasaan ku saja, or may be bnr or... ntah... aku pun nda tau.. It turned my mood down... way way down! There was this event, wen the earlier plan said that I've been chosen to do this one thing..That means that I've a responsibility, right? But then...... ntah ah, I waited outside, n no one called me... n everyone's face seemed to be weird... serious looking, I might say.. I was in a state being uncertain. Shud I go inside n just do it w/o anyone mengarahkan aku.. or shud I wait till someone, at least the family, to call me....? In my mind was.... kalau ku masuk n buat saja, krg mcm urg asi2 tia jua.. bnr plg kana suruh awal dah, tapi... who knows they changed their mind? kebasaran kh aku kalau aku tunggu urg manggil aku?? errghh~ I know how the family are.. krg kana ucap aku not being a responsible person.. but hey~ dlm ati ku, nada urg tau~ nada urg mau ambil tau... *sigh* Lg pun, what I saw, ramai jua urg dlm rumah tu, who are of the same age as me.. I guess they know how to do the chore... so, I just let them do it, with me just sitting outside, rather chose to not knowing what's happening inside...... I might luk selfish, but........ uhh!! I left the house with no mood.. with my guilty-ness.... ish!!
There was I feeling lonely... being in a state of guilt..n not knowing what to do.. My mum? cbuk2 jua d dlm, membawa nini... So I just sat outside, alone~~ Thinking of smeone who can acompany me in anyway... Adee? Ia cbuk jua with his Graduation Dinner... Well, I did try to msghim plg, skali lambat reply.. ok, then I know ia bz.. I stopped there... My best friends? My best buddies? Yes~ I was thinking to go on9, sal in my mind mesti dorg on9 tu tym atu.. tpi...................... nada signal! I cudn't get thru... gaaaahh!!! Last2..... main Sudoku saja... mlayan prasaan, mlayan diri sndiri, mlayan..... smua lah! Maybe lah facial expression tells everyone everything.... jrg jua ku kn diam2, serious2 cmatu ah....
Out of nowhere.. something came out of my mind... something about the past... It might be due to what happened last nyt.. *sigh* There was this one time, I was being close to one of my cuzens...He's a He... We WERE close sebab something plg... someone used to be his special one whom I know.. So everytym we had the opportunity to meet up during the family event, we talked to each other..But hey! I didn't approach him in the first place.. He was the one... As times went by, I realised something..every time we had the conversation, there'll be someone interrupting.. someone from his side...bukan interrupting cmana.. as if suruh BUBAR tarus.. one goes here, n the other goes there... *sigh* mula2 I thought it was just my feelings.... One day, I hd the feelings to share it with my mum.... n one shocking news came up!! Rupanya, mulah nini mau me n him together!! WAT???!! n his mother refused to, though the father goes against his wife.. Okaaaayy~~~ I guess that answers my doubt about what they did to us when we were having those conversations.... Rasa ku, Tuhan saja yg tau.... from that day onwards, aku pun nda lg brani kn get close to him n the family.. n slowly, aku sama ia pun nda lagi rapat.. sitting together n have a small conversation? NOT ANYMORE~ I don't know~ somehow things had changed... Padahal, tym2 atu I'm being with Ade jua udah, nganya alum expose... =)
I admit, aku pyh kn get along with ppl at certain times..... it's mainly because of wat's inside me.... I tend to think that ppl don't welcome u if u join them... mana tau tym2 atu dorg ada conversation which doesn't really welcome u... as if I'm interrupting them... I don't want ppl to feel uncomfortable due to my presence... Sebab atu, I prefer ppl to ask me to join in, baru tah.. kebasaran? ambung? yes~ outsiders may think that I'm so... but wat actually is inside, do they know?? Low self-esteem... m I? I'm leaving with no answer.... but that's who I am...................................................................
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